by Real Business - Thursday, 30th August 2007

Children you expect to interrupt your sex life, but the tax man? One couple I know who set up a business together found thoughts of their VAT returns intruding at entirely inappropriate moments. "We would be making love and suddenly one of us would say 'Christ, we haven't filed this' or 'did you remember to do that'?" The marriage survived; the business didn't.

Being in business with your spouse creates its own special problems. More than just your business is at stake if things go wrong. Being together all day every day is bound to put a strain on even the most loving relationship. There is the danger of disagreements at work being carried over into the marital home, or vice versa. In addition, everyone has a work persona and it can be difficult for spouses to come to terms with their partner's "new" identity.

There are numerous examples of couples whose relationship or business has broken down, often ending with the dissolution of both. Peter Leach of BDO Stoy Hayward's family business unit knows of several couples who have got divorced but tried to retain the business partnership. They met with varying degrees of success. One couple managed to stay as business partners long enough to create a successful company but had so many disagreements that eventually they were forced to sell. Leach declines to name them on the grounds that they are still litigating. Others compromise with an arm's length arrangement that allows the driving force in the business to devote themselves to it and the other partner to lead much their own lives.

Is it possible to create and sustain a successful business without destroying your marriage? Or better yet, while staying happily married?

Many of the couples we contacted responded with an enthusiastic "yes", but declined to be interviewed. "Talking about your relationship is always a delicate matter, let alone in the press," says one mindful husband. Another visibly stiffened when his wife told me that he sometimes wasn't very good at taking criticism. Others were loath to invoke a Real Business version of the curse of Hello, which cuts couples asunder once they have proclaimed their happiness in its pages, but agreed to contribute anonymously.

"When it works, it works very well," says Andrew Godfrey, head of growth and development services at Grant Thornton. "A husband and wife dedicated to the same idea make a formidable team," says Neil Crawford, senior consultant at the Tavistock Centre who specialises in working with family businesses. "One huge plus is that they automatically get someone else in the business that they can trust."

"Every husband and wife team is different, but they almost always have complementary skills," says Godfrey. "I know one couple where he gets on with running the factory and she makes all the unpleasant decisions. It works very well for them."

Wayne and Gerardine Hemingway, founders of fashion house Red Or Dead, have worked together for 15 years and been married for 14. "Gerardine is far more realistic and practical, she has far more common sense than I do," says Wayne. "I get a lot of ideas but don't think about the consequences. She is very good at spotting foibles and difficulties and at weighing up staff. I'm a lot more bullish, I really get stuck in and go for it."

Mark and Wendy Fairbrass, managing and finance director of Beacon Print, are also very different types. Mark on Wendy: "She is very good with people." Wendy on Mark: "He is a true entrepreneur, restless and full of ideas."

Jane and Jerry Smith, partners in printing business Jaycara, have distinct roles. She is the organiser, while he concentrates on the creative side of the business and provides her with a stable, calming presence.

Many couples have strict rules for keeping their business and personal lives separate. One of the husbands - who did not want to be named - insists on separate cars. "I cannot imagine driving to and from work every day with my wife," he says. "It would be so stressful, it would be nightmarish. You have to have time to yourself." His wife now has an office at home. She finds it hard to understand why he refuses to discuss business there, but is more than happy to talk about it on the phone when he reaches the office. "I am just not happy talking about work at home," he says flatly.

Nor are the Hemingways, who have banned it altogether. "It took Gerardine a while to get used to it," says Wayne. "It was much easier for me to switch off. But you have to have a cut-off point." The Fairbrasses have trained themselves not to talk about the business after 9pm. "You are putting in all those hours and effort," says Wendy, "it is nice to come home to someone who is aware of the pressures and has got the same objectives, but you don't want to be lying in bed discussing business. So after 9pm that's it."

"You have to change when you go home, you have to become a slightly different person and pull down the curtain on the day," says Mark. "Particularly if you have had a disagreement." Married for "something like 27 years", the Fairbrasses also have strict rules about disagreements: they never argue in front of the children or the staff. "If we have a major disagreement we shut the door to our office and sort it out. We have to present a united front or it would undermine everything," Wendy observes.

It is vital to sort out disagreements calmly and rationally. "It is the same formula for being happily married," says a happily married man. "The key issue is knowing how far to push your point of view and respecting the other person's." Crawford stresses the need for honesty, particularly over big strategy decisions. It is important to voice your doubts at the time rather than harbouring resentments, which could lead to recriminations on both sides later on.

There are sound financial reasons for sorting out your private life, too. Venture capitalists are unlikely to invest in your business unless they are convinced. "We ask straight out how people resolve their differences," says 3i local director David Williams. "It is a bad sign if the answer is banal or trivial or they look as if it is the first time they have thought of it. We expect people to have worked it out. The right sort of response is something like 'we made a right meal of it for the first six months but really learned from that'."

Never make assumptions, warns Peter Leach. "When married couples go into a business environment together they are often surprised at the change in each other," he says. "You can't assume that because you know your husband at home he will still be the same when he is the boss. Assuming that your spouse won't alter in the office is easy to do but can be your undoing." Follow psychologist Michael O'Malley's husband and wife business charter, says Leach.

What advice would our panel give to a married couple embarking on a business together? Almost all said "Don't." Jerry Smith sums up the thoughts: "It is very hard work and most people couldn't stand the pressure. You have got to try 110 per cent to make it work."

A formidable team
Jane and Jerry Smith have some of their best board meetings in the bath. They were the only couple to have no rules about discussing work and no enforced separations. "We are in each other's face 24 hours a day," says Jerry. "But we are very easy with each other and we are fortunate to have learned how to work together."

Jane started Jaycara in 1986 and combined it with Jerry's illuminated awnings business in 1987. His side folded in 1991 and he threw himself into her promotional printing business, which mainly involves T-shirts, caps and bags. "When we were doing the awnings, I deferred to Jerry's knowledge and experience," says Jane. "When we decided to only do printing, he deferred to me. If it is an art or design matter, I respect his judgment because he has a lot more talent than me." Jerry chips in. "Jane's knowledge of the printing industry is so much better than mine," he says. "I insist that she makes most of the decisions. We both recognise that each of us has things to contribute."

Due to recent illness, their roles are about to be swapped again, when Jerry takes over the financial side and Jane concentrates on being a printer. They both say that they are lucky not to have any "ego problems with each other."

"We make decisions on a logical basis rather than letting egos or insecurities get in the way," says Jane. "We have learned to be patient, not to get threatened by events or to take criticism personally and that the other person's opinion must be respected."

Treating your spouse as your colleague
Wendy Fairbrass said that she would help out at her husband Mark's environmentally friendly printing company for a while. That was 19 years ago. "I didn't envisage staying but I liked it and it worked," Wendy says, although she admits that they had a few good fights in the early days. "We get on really well. A lot of our friends are amazed that we have shared an office together for this long and are still happy. There's a lot of luck involved."

And a lot of consideration. "It doesn't matter whether it is business or marriage, you have to be sensitive to the people around you," says Mark. "I would not dream of interfering with something that Wendy is doing. You have to trust and respect each other implicitly and be prepared to communicate. We don't always hold the same views and, if we disagree, we will say so. But it will be an argument between two directors, not a husband and wife. Occasionally you have to be prepared to shut up or back down, but you must always be prepared to listen."

They did have difficulty with board meetings. "They were a farce," says Mark. "We made up our minds to get independent people involved. We now have two non-executive directors who were chosen for their outspokenness."

Couples that have strict rules
Wayne and Gerardine Hemingway know no other life: they met at fashion college 15 years ago and have worked and lived together ever since. The best advice they received was from their first footwear manufacturer. "He told us not to do what he had done," says Wayne. "He dedicated every hour to the business and ended up not knowing his wife or children. That's why we go away together every weekend. If something goes wrong, we can come back on Monday refreshed and ready to deal with it." The rule is: they finish at 3pm every Friday, pick up the kids (they have three, with a fourth imminent) and drive to their house in the country. "That rule has never been broken, we always saw the importance of having a life outside the business."

The biggest test of their relationship was when they sold Red Or Dead to Facia. "Things had grown so much and we were under so much pressure, having to do all sorts of things like sales, production, accounts and administration, rather than getting on and designing. It got to the point that we were having to take time off separately so that Wayne could be with the kids for half the holidays and I'd do the other. We decided it just wasn't the way we wanted to be," says Gerardine. "It was the best thing to do," adds Wayne. "Gerardine didn't want to sell, it was very emotional for both of us. There was a lot of crying. Selling the business was like losing a fourth child." Three years later they bought the business back "for a lot less than we sold it for" and haven't looked back.

My manifesto for a successful business... and marriage
By Anita Roddick, founder of the Body Shop

I don't know if this article is about maintaining a successful marriage while running a business or maintaining a successful business while running a marriage. The difference between "running" and "ruining" is "I". I'm not like Gordon and he's not like me. And that's very fortunate, for both marriage and business.

Gordon is my rock. He is my expediter. He says, "it's all right for you. I make everything easy for your spirit to travel". He is my age, he is kinder than me. He has a passion which is playing polo - and I have never been more bored with anything in my life. We have a marriage that has been going for 26 years. I love the intimacy of the shared history. We do not see a lot of each other, but it works for us.

We have passed on our differences to our two daughters, Justine and Sam. Justine has all of Gordon's characteristics. She is gentle and family-oriented. She rings me to see if I am all right. And she has produced a beautiful grand-daughter for me, Maiya, with whom I am already having a battle of wills.

Sam breaks my heart. People ask who motivates me. Sam motivates me. I am all right, this company is all right, as long as Sam is proud of it. The minute Sam points a questioning finger, I'm dead. She is also the bravest individual I know at 24 years old. Sam is a performing artist, she loves that interrelationship with people. She takes me to places where I am out of my depth.

Now business is very ritualistic and Sam thought she could teach me a thing or two. Recently in San Francisco she took me to an event which celebrated behaviour as ritualised as any I've ever encountered. It was the Annual Prostitutes Ball (or "sex workers" as they prefer to be known). It was a veritable sado-masochistic marketplace of ideas.

Apart from polo in California, Gordon spends time with the Kayapo in the Amazon forest. He's brave. As you can imagine, when we do get together we have a wealth of wild and wonderful tales to tell one another. And some of it is actually about the business we've been running for over 21 years.

In the beginning, when Gordon left to cross America on a horse, he told me that I had got to take £300 a week. That was my financial education. We never dreamed it would get as big as this, but we are very aware of the responsibilities it confers. But, if we're in a position now to give advice on setting up in business, it would be the same advice we gave ourselves when we set out on this path.

Always look for socially responsible services - the world doesn't need a "toggle-woggle" toothbrush. Give it your thumbprint - set yourself apart from the competition. What do you feel? Do not think big, think better. Think of polishing a brilliant idea. Do not be seduced into the language of business, which is always think big, big. Just create a great freedom in your livelihood.

It's still working for us and the business.

Michael O'Malley's Husband and Wife Business Charter

I will work with my spouse only if I enjoy the business and I bring skills which add value to it.

I will NOT work with my spouse if I believe it will:
Bring romance back into our relationship.
Change the way he/she treats me.
Bring us closer together.
Allow us to spend more time together.
Fill a hole or gap in my life.
Alleviate any guilt I feel for a past wrong.
Give me the opportunity to get even with my spouse.

I take responsibility for defining myself to the business. Therefore I will:
Clearly define my roles and responsibilities.
State my business vision and expectations for the business.
Hold myself to the established performance standards of the business.

I take responsibility for communicating my thoughts and positions on the business to my spouse and others in the business.

I will NOT take responsibility for communicating the thoughts and positions of my spouse to others in the business.

I will be aware of the ways I increase the level of anxiety and in my relationship with my spouse.

When communicating with my spouse in stressful times:I will be factual.
I will not make blaming, accusative "You..." statements.
I will make calm, thoughtful "I think..." statements.
I will communicate directly to my spouse about our relationship and not through someone else.

Contacts
Ruth Nicholas
RuthNicho@aol.com

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